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Cheer Up Your Senior: God Rejected by Every Ivy League School by Arlene Matthews, M.A.

 In the past few days tens of thousands of Ivy League applicants logged onto their dream schools’ admissions sites with high hopes. But with admissions rates at the eight coveted schools falling below 9 percent overall, many met disappointment. Among those snubbed by every single Ivy was God.

With God’s reputedly perfect SAT scores, what could have caused this unilateral rejection? “It’s all relative,” said a source close to Yale admissions. “One would expect an omnipotent being to score well on standardized tests, but elite schools look beyond the numbers. Yale wants to build a diversified class. It’s not all about ‘Old Boys’ anymore.”

At Columbia, long accused of being godless anyway, a work-study student in the Admissions office mentioned the Lord’s “lack of depth” in extracurricular activities. “Sure, he created the Earth and Humankind, but where’s the follow through? What has he done lately?”

When reached for comment, the Almighty, who planned to declare a double major in Physics and Art History, said He applied because “I’ve been hearing that these days ‘God himself couldn’t get into Brown.’ I guess they weren’t kidding.” 

Although God was invited to join the wait list at Cornell, He has decided to pass. “I hate being in admissions Limbo,” said He, “and, anyway, the winters in Ithaca are depressing.”

The Good Lord is now choosing between his two safeties, Brandeis and Georgetown. He noted that He had not applied to state schools as there was a “gnarly existential question” about what just state He is in.

In a related story, the Devil was admitted via Early Decision to the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of Business.

About Arlene Matthews, M.A

Arlene is a college admissions consultant, writer, and editor. She is the author of the acclaimed book, Getting In Without Freaking Out: The College Admissions Guide for Overwhelmed Parents. The Washington Post praised the book for "coming to the rescue" in college anxiety season, and Arlene was one of three experts featured on a New York Times college admissions panel. Arlene has written and co‐written over thirty additional books.

Her recent works include The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Psychology of HappinessThe Complete Idiot's Guide to Beating Stress, and The Seven Keys to Calm. She recently collaborated with Mary Civiello on Communication Counts: Business Presentations for Busy People. Under the pen name "Annie Pigeon," Arlene has also published 11 humor books including the bestselling Love's Little Instruction Book and The National Standardized Mom Test.

For more information, please go to www.arlenemathews.com

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