The Importance of Letting Go

The Importance of Letting Go

by Ann Rossbach, Independent Educational Consultant

INDEPENDENCE.  Your child strives for it, claims it, even shouts it.  As a parent, your child’s successful independence is your ultimate goal, right?  Then why is the transition to college so difficult?

If you are a parent of a college-going student the initial send-off can be a challenge.  This rite of passage for young adults can produce numerous emotions and communicating those sentiments can be difficult.  Additionally, parents can be anxious over the challenges of starting a new distance relationship with a son or daughter.   It’s best to have an honest conversation with your young adult as he or she prepares to live in a new town, with a new roommate and new responsibilities.

Discussing the following topics will help both parents and children approach the transition with a greater understanding of expectations.

FINANCES

Set an allowance amount.  If your son or daughter has worked and saved to have spending money at college, that’s great.  If not, you need to establish a realistic amount for an allowance and adhere to it.  A family credit card is great for emergencies, but you might want to set some ground rules about the use of the card.  Be sure your son or daughter understands tracking money in an account, balancing a checkbook, and using an ATM. 

ACADEMICS

Discuss goals and expectations. You won’t be checking PowerSchool anymore! Your son or daughter will be in control of his or her academic performance.  In fact, unless students sign a waiver permitting you to see grades, you will not have to access them.  Best to have an understanding before the end of the semester and help to set realistic goals. 

RESOURCES

Your role should be to enable success.  Be aware of resources on campus so that when your distraught child calls over an upcoming paper, a roommate issue, or emotional stresses, you can refer him to the correct resources.  Counseling and tutoring availability are normally part of the tuition expense, all colleges staff a writing center, and most have math support.  Suggest to your child that he develop a strong relationship with his advisor.  This relationship will give him the ability to independently seek advice from a trusted source. By having these contacts ready, you can be a true resource to your own son or daughter when there’s a problem at the other end of the phone. 

And they will call!  The first semester can be a roller coaster ride for many.  But as a parent, you do not need to be riding the rails!  Listen, point your son or daughter in the direction for assistance on campus, and then watch from the platform!    Often once your child has called home distraught, the concern may already be over and they are on to the next fun event.  Meanwhile, you are worried sick!  Be the distant, resourceful parent, not the roller coaster buddy. 

SOME TIPS  

Don’t call your child all the time!  The time spent on the phone with you is time she could be down the hall, making a new friend.

Check out the parent page on the college website.  This is the appropriate place for you to find out about the parents’ organizations and events for you!

Check out Letting Go, A Parents Guide to Understanding the College Years, by Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger.  This is a very readable book for parents offering sound advice on the importance of allowing their children to search for their identity, independence and intimacy on their own.

Most importantly, sit back, relax and enjoy yet another milestone in your child’s life.

For additional resources, feel free to visit Ann Rossbach Consulting’s website at www.annrossbachconsulting.com